2013 wasn’t exactly a great year for movies. For every good movie, there was a bad one or two or sometimes three. So before we highlight the best that 2013 had to offer, it’s time to scrape out the sh*t. Now most of these movies I’ve covered in full review or in one of my Rental Round-Ups, but others won’t receive the full treatment until the next instalment. But regardless, if you have yet to see any of these movies I have one word of advice: don’t. Unless you’re a masochist or something.
25. Stoker
What a confusing mess of a film this was. This movie was so bizarre that I’m struggling to recollect what it was even about, but from what I do I just remember a lot of “what the fuck?” When this movie wasn’t being bizarre, it was just being generic or pretentious. Park Chan-wook, Oldboy was awesome and I will always respect you for that, but maybe you should stick to your native tongue.
24. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
What’s worse than an utterly generic movie? An utterly generic movie that thinks it is special. But no, Walter Mitty, you are not special. Ben Stiller is pushing way above his calibre here and is clearly trying to make something meaningful. But this isn’t The Tree of Life. It’s a travel agency ad full of product placement and bumper sticker philosophy. The plot is predictable, the characters are one-note, and it goes on and on. Sure, it looks pretty but that is about all there is to enjoy here. Stiller, I don’t hate you but you are really trying my patience.
23. Carrie
Hooray, another pointless remake! I’m not completely against remaking a film as long as you can do something new with it. But this new version of Carrie does absolutely nothing but add moblie phones and waste your time. Chloe Grace Moretz tries her best to hold this picture together, but even her efforts are wasted because she is so unfortunately miscast. And by god, the bullies in this are the most cookie cutter arseholes ever put to screen. The original Carrie was a little ridiculous, but everyone in this movie is so caricatured that I just couldn’t take a frame of it seriously.
22. RED 2
The first RED was a goofy but fun little action movie that mainly rode off the charisma of its cast. But did we really need a sequel? No, we didn’t but the box office on the first said otherwise. What was barely enough of a premise to sustain one movie has been stretched so far it has snapped, creating a movie that seems to have been made from the leftovers of the original. Take away the impressive star power of this movie and the decent production values, and this is a flick that would barely skate by direct-to-DVD. But hey, at least it’s not as bad as this interview with an incredibly rude Bruce Willis about the picture:
21. The Counsellor
What do you get when you combine Ridley Scott, one of the most well-known and respected filmmakers alive, with the talents of famed author Cormac McCarthy? You’d think something good, but that would make some sort of sense. But much like the confusing mess that is The Counsellor, it doesn’t make sense. Full of pretentiously obtuse dialogue and bizarre choices across the board, the only thing this movie will be remembered for is the scene with Cameron Diaz and a convertible. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about.
20. Filth
Let me get this out of the way: James McAvoy’s performance in Filth is brilliant. But take him out of the picture and this is just a bunch of depraved prattle. This is one of those examples of a novel just not adapting to the screen. It’s a film that is everything and nothing; it is filled with sex, violence, drugs and other such things but has nothing to really say about it. It has a great cast, but utterly wastes most of them. By the end of it all, I was just left confused by what I had witnessed. I know a lot of people liked this movie, more power to them, but I just found it dull.
19. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
A recurring theme on this list will be “comedies that aren’t funny”. 2013 had an abundance of them, and to kick us off is The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Why on earth such talented people as Steve Carrel, Jim Carrey, Alan Arkin, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde and the late James Gandolfini signed on to this confusing mess is beyond me. This is what Will Ferrell scripts must be like without all the improv, and considering how unfunny this movie is it really could have used his presence.
18. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
Pretty much every YA novel on the market is getting a movie now, so here’s another one. The Mortal Instruments may not be as bad as some of its brethren, but that is mainly because this movie is so unintentionally hilarious. I swear, if you aren’t laughing by the time it reaches the climax where a serious of ludicrous plot twists occur, either you’re dead or you actually like this movie. It’s a shame that talents like Lena Heady and Jared Harris attached themselves to this pre-teen drivel. Thankfully they’re barely in it, but this isn’t the last we’ll here from Cersei Lannister on this list…
17. The Bling Ring
Hey, want to watch a movie about spoiled LA kids stealing sh*t and having no remorse about it? No, of course you don’t. Not unless you’re a fan of mindless reality TV. The premise, based on a true story, has the potential to be fun social satire. But this film is directed by Sofia Coppola, so instead enjoy dull, lifeless direction and shallow characters with no redeemable qualities. Sofia, I love Lost in Translation as much as the next person, but you really need to step up your game because I don’t want to sit through another slog like this.
16. Bullet to the Head
A title that describes what I wanted after watching this. Sylvester Stallone mumbles his way through this generic piece of pulp that wastes the time of its decent cast and legendary director Walter Hill, who is clearly past his prime. I can barely remember a damn thing about this movie other than it had an axe fight between Stallone and Sh*tty Conan, and that Christian Slater was in it for about ten minutes. Sly, I know you want to call back to your heyday in the 80’s, but you can do much better than this.
15. The Purge
What a wasted opportunity this was. This is a film set in a future where, for 12 hours a year, all emergency services are disabled and all crime is permitted. Forgetting about how implausible this premise is, it has the potential to do something really cool. But nope, it’s just another home invasion movie where that set-up does little more than explain why they can’t call the cops and why their inevitable resort to violence is justifiable. It contains every thriller trope imaginable and features some of the dumbest and ridiculous characters and decisions I’ve seen in a long time. Ethan Hawke and Lena Heady are much better than this, and I can’t believe we’re actually getting a sequel to this drivel.
14. The Host
We thought we had killed it, but it came back: Stephanie Meyer wasn’t guilty enough for inflicting Twilight upon the world, but now she is guilty of this atrocity. The Host has the potential to be an intriguing film, but wastes it on the same teen romance crap that has been shoved down our throats since 2008. What on earth was Saorise Ronan, a very talented actress, thinking when she signed on for this? If In Time was the first nail in the coffin for Andrew Niccol, The Host is close to final. One more f*ck up, and he is dead to me. You made Gattaca, man! What the hell happened?!
13. Broken City
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…huh, what? This movie is still going? Let me go back to sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…what? You want me to give an opinion? OK. This movie is dull, pointless and a waste of its talents’ time. Next. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
12. I Give It a Year
Continuing our parade into “unfunny comedies” is a slightly different beast: an unfunny British comedy. What tries to be a play on the tired Brit rom com formula driven into the public consciousness since Richard Curtis met Hugh Grant is instead a film riding on awkwardness. Here is half of the jokes in I Give It a Year: “Yes, my wife is lovely. We did it the other night and it was great. Oh sh*t, that was rude. Oh f*ck, I said sh*t. There I did it again. This is very awkward. Oh dear, a picture of my privates. What a disaster!” Over and over and over again. Sound like fun to you? Then go knock yourself out, because certainly was tempted to.
11. Olympus Has Fallen
We got two “Die Hard in the White House” movies last year. One was the cheesy but fun White House Down, probably my biggest guilty pleasure of the year alongside Pain & Gain. And the other was the dumb, uninspired, jingoistic headache of a movie that was Olympus Has Fallen. Guess which one is getting a sequel? Yep, the sh*tty one. I never thought I’d say this but its true: Gerard Butler was the only good thing about this movie. Without his efforts, this movie would be much further up the list.
10. Spring Breakers
I know people like this movie. I even somewhat get why people like this movie. But if I wanted to hang out with a bunch of douchebags high on coke and their own ego whilst surrounded by pastels and Skrillex, I’d go to a rave. Yes, James Franco’s bizarre performance is fascinating to watch, but when everything around him is as warped as he is it just fails to do anything. This is a prime example of having your cake and eating it: making a statement about how rude and desensitised our youth is whilst jerking off to the concept at the same time. I’d expect nothing less from the director of Trash Humpers.
9. Parker
Jason Statham, you’re usually awesome but this…even this is beneath you. This is one of the dullest action-thrillers I have ever witnessed. Generic plot, dull characters, unimaginative action scenes, unfunny dialogue. Other than the amusement of seeing Statham do a horrendous Southern accent, there is nothing to see here. Please, Statham. Go find Neveldine & Taylor and make Crank 3 already. We miss you guys.
8. R.I.P.D.
R.I.P.D. isn’t just bad because it’s got a cliché-ridden script, a complete lack of chemistry between its two main stars, and some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen in a major Hollywood blockbuster. It’s bad because it had so much potential to be good. There are moments when a much better film is screaming out, waiting to be unleashed. But the film squanders its unique premise with poor attempts at humour and a confusing sense of logic. Jeff Bridges, you’re better than this. F*ck, Ryan Reynolds, even YOU are better than this. This is a train wreck of a film that just gets worse and worse as you watch it.
7. The Hangover Part III
Oh how the mighty have fallen. The Hangover was a really good comedy, one that started a trend of imitators and skyrocketed its stars to the top. Then The Hangover Part II came out. It was the same movie, but with more dick. So, having learned their lesson (apparently), the third and (thankfully) final chapter in the “epic trilogy” goes for a completely different feel. Pity it sucks even more. I don’t think I’ve seen a more mean-spirited and vile movie that calls itself a comedy, because there is nothing here to like. What should be a send-off for these characters just becomes a lazy and irritating bunch of dreck. Toodaloo, motherf*ckers! Don’t come back!
6. A Good Day to Die Hard
It pains me to say this but…you had a good run, Die Hard. Now please die before you embarrass yourself anymore. From the word go, this was a doomed project. The script is atrocious, the directing is uninspired, the acting is half-assed, and the action scenes are so implausible that it makes Wanted look like a documentary. This is a massive slap in the face of a franchise that deserves better treatment than this. It’s this kind of movie that really pisses me off because it thinks its audience are a bunch of idiotic sheep who will go see anything because it says Die Hard on the poster. Bruce Willis, you clearly just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Now stop being a smug schmuck and let this franchise die while it still has an ounce of dignity.
5. Texas Chainsaw
It wouldn’t be a worst of list without a sh*tty slasher flick, and oh boy is this one a doozy. You though it couldn’t get any worse than those Michael Bay produced Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, didn’t you? Now witness this: a movie where we are supposed to SYMPATHISE with Leatherface. F*CKING LEATHERFACE! The deranged killer of the franchise is supposed to be our misunderstood hero. I’m sorry, but that is just f*cking stupid! “Go get ‘em, cuz!” Why don’t you piss off and let this dead franchise stay dead?!
4. After Earth
Wow, M. Night Shyamalan still has a career? Who keeps funding this guy? Now to be fair, I’ve read that this isn’t mostly Shyamalan’s fault. Nope, the person we should be pointing the finger at is the Fresh Prince himself. Never have I seen a sci-fi movie this utterly lifeless and unimaginative. The plot is too basic for an NES game, the acting is so wooden you could make furniture out of it, the directing is typical Shyamalan awkwardness, and who the f*ck thought that Cypher Raige was a good sounding name? Seriously? CYPHER F*CKING RAIGE? Who thought of this? Oh right, Will Smith did. This was all his elaborate $130million plan to make his son Jaden a star. Pity that he can’t act his way out of a paper bag. Will, you are awesome, but please don’t ever attempt to write anything ever again.
3. Only God Forgives
And now we come to the biggest piece of pretentious bollocks I have ever witnessed. This is a movie that has got nothing, absolutely nothing, but blood, karaoke, and admittedly beautiful cinematography. If there were a competition for Most Polished Turd, this would win the gold medal for sure. I’ve seen plenty of people on the Internet try to explain what this movie means, but right there that means the movie has failed: I should not require supplementary material to understand what the f*ck you are trying to say! Nicholas Winding Refn, whose previous film Drive was my favourite film of 2011, has managed to something thought impossible to science: he has found a way to go up his own arsehole. I don’t know what kind of black magic he conjured to do it, but he did it. Refn, you’d better hope that God forgives because I certainly won’t.
2. Movie 43
Let me recount to you what horrors lie within the depths of Movie 43. (clears throat) Hugh Jackman with balls on his chin. Naomi Watts possibly having an incestuous relationship with her son. Chris Pratt having explosive diarrhea. Batman talking about Supergirl’s muff. Gerard Butler as a foul-mouthed leprechaun. Stephen Merchant in yellowface. Terrence Howard shouting “you’re black” for three minutes. And finally, a cartoon cat jerking off to pictures of Josh Duhamel. All of this and much more lie within the depths of the most bizarre waste of time and money ever thrown at the screen. Every single writer involved in this project should have their right to be called writers revoked permanently, and every single actor involved in this travesty should distance themselves from this as much as possible.
And now, the biggest turd of them all. Drumroll please…
1. Identity Thief
No movie this year caused me more pain than Identity Thief did. At least Movie 43 was so utterly insane that it was fascinating. This is just pure garbage from start to finish. It isn’t enough that this so-called comedy failed to make me laugh even once. It isn’t enough that this plot is so implausible and ludicrous that it defies all logic. It isn’t even enough that this wastes the talents of some actors who really would be better off doing anything else. No, this movie is so vile, so heinous, so deluded, that it has created one of the most vile and detestable characters I have ever seen put to the screen in all her annoying glory…and then it has the sheer audacity to say “Now sympathise with her”. I think a sh*tty movie deserves a quote from another sh*tty movie, so: Tracy, take it away.
No, Identity Thief. I refuse to sympathise with Melissa McCarthy, a character that ruins people’s lives for her own benefit and feels no remorse for it. I don’t care if she comes around near the end, she is still a horrendous example of a human being and how dare you think I’m as stupid as Jason Bateman is in this to fall for it. This is a movie that thinks its audience are a bunch of morons who will laugh at anything and eat up whatever sh*t it throws at it. But no, movie. Audiences are smarter than this, and you should but some f*cking effort in to entertaining your audience and treat them with a little respect. F*ck you, Identity Thief! F*CK YOU!
And there you have it. The worst of the worst. I apologise for the amount of profanity near the end there, but that felt SO good. Now that that business is done and dusted, we can focus on the good things in life. Tune in soon for what I thought were the best films of 2013.
Alternative Lens 